Goodbye Vicki

My friend Vicki died on Saturday afternoon.  Around the time we were celebrating Hannah's 3rd birthday she took her last breath in her sleep.  The night before had been bad and the hospice nurse told them that morning that she would probably pass away that day.

I got to work this morning and was making my way to my office when I ran into someone I knew and said good morning.  She turned to me and said "you knew Vicki right".  I knew immediately with her use of past tense that she had passed away.  I passed another person that saw me talking to her and wanted to confirm that I knew.  So on this Monday morning I hadn't even got to my desk yet before I was in tears.  My old boss came over because she knew I was close to her and came and talked to me for a while and I was able to break down a little.  I found out the funeral is tomorrow so I got permission to leave for that and tried to concentrate on work.

I feel selfish.  I think about her, and I keep thinking about what I'm losing.  I've lost the friend I could go to for a hug whenever I needed one, and the lady who makes the best strawberry cake I've ever tasted in my entire life, I've lost a friend.  So is morning nothing more than coming to terms with what has been taken away from us?  I guess that's what "loss" is... having and then losing.  It just sometimes feels so selfish.  I think about her family, and her only child--a 23 year old who was raised solely by her and is hurting so much more than I am and I tell myself to suck it up - my pain is nothing compared to what they are feeling right now.  We tell ourselves we celebrate their life, but it feels more like we only long for them in ours.

So I guess that's what we do.  We give of ourselves to others in return for what they give to us.  And when they pass, the cycle is broken but we want it back.  I would love to give to her, and I would love to receive, but I can not.

I pray she knew how much I cared for her even though I didn't get to say goodbye.  I'm grateful to God for minimizing her pain and the longevity of this disease.  I praise the Lord for giving us people with such big hearts, and I trust Him for the bigger picture.  We don't know why - but we know He's in control, and He has reasons.

Thank you for your prayers for her, if you think on it please pray for her son Chance and her siblings who are all very close to each other.