Sometimes it's just really hard

So I've not been posting much but that's because I just don't have time! Grant made the comment that having her takes up a percentage of our lives and when I said she takes up 90% of mine I wasn't kidding! It's been really hard the last few weeks that I've been home full time. It was hard before but I expected that with a newborn, then I expected it with my crazy working part-time month, but by three months of age I have to say, I didn't expect this. If I get a total of an hour to myself before Grants either home or done for the day it's a miracle. Ella fights sleep, cat naps, wakes up cranky, eventually I feed her to stop the crying, we get 30 minutes of a somewhat happy baby but one that doesn't like to be left alone, and then I do it all over again.

I'm sure some of you are thinking, "yep, that's what parenting is" and that's fine. I shouldn't complain because she sleeps at night and is healthy. But this doesn't work for me. I am not happy taking care of her full time and that being my only occupation. I'm possibly a horrible mother for putting that in writing but there it is.

My goal is to work on our home business from home, but I don't have time to do that. I have managed to get a small workout into my day in the mornings and I try hard to take a shower so that Grant won't kick me out of the house, but that's about it. I'm able to do laundry and dishes while she's in her carrier but what I want to do is sit at my computer for a couple of hours and contribute to something I feel very passionate about. I'm trying to prepare myself for the possibility that that might not happen for a long time. I had thought by now it would be, but I was wrong.

I apologize for the venting of this post but as one of my favorite bloggers once wrote "some of these women go wacko" in reference to postpartum depression and although I'm not depressed, I do feel like I'm going wacko.

- Sara